“I have been dating a psychic
through the dating site Meetaplex
. He still, however, charges me for psychic readings – even if we are engaged in sexual intercourse at the time. I am not exactly happy about this, but he said that his employer – Psychix Direct – would fire his ass if he told my fortune for free. Fair enough. But what is not fair enough is that I’ve now discovered my psychic boyfriend is a LIAR! His name is Adrian Monkshank.
I thought Adrian had beautiful hair and I began complimenting him on it. He told me that his hair had grown so full and lustrous because he ate a lot of custard, and cooked his beans in lard.
Then this week, I went to Adrian’s house and he had bought an actual lion. It’s massive. Its dinner is so big that if I tried to put it in my washing machine it would not fit, and when the lion breaks wind one of the windows rattles a bit. The lion is well behaved and Adrian says it doesn’t bite, which is fine. But after about an hour the lion sneezed and Adrian’s hair came off because it is a wig.
I am absolutely beside myself with disgust that this man – a psychic, with a responsibility to be wholly honest – has lied to me about his hair. If his hair is fake, what the hell else is fake about him? I would suggest to anyone on this site that you don’t use Psychix Direct because their psychics are LIARS!
Psychix Direct takes its psychics’ hair very seriously. We have launched an investigation into this serious matter, in order to determine why you were told our psychic’s hair was real when it is not.
We are also mildly concerned that the psychic in question is in possession of a lion.
Rest assured that if our investigation confirms our psychic has given false information about his hair, or his diet, or any other issue he has discussed, he will face the full force of our disciplinary procedure.
Rest assured also that we shall be taking advice on the implications of keeping lions as domestic pets, and if there is any indication that the lion could restrict our psychic’s performance, or indeed kill his clients, we will send someone round to confiscate it. We will also confiscate our psychic’s hair if it is felt that other clients may be misled by it.
All about the hair
Thank you. Can I have a free retail voucher or something?