Stop Scratching Your Balls In Restaurants

Marlbrook Restaurant 27 July 2001

The first half of 2014 has brought a rising number of complaints from women who have arranged a meet through dating site Meetaplex, and been confronted with a man who has scratched his gonads for varying lengths of time in the restaurant or pub.

The timespans of the scratching have generally ranged from four or five minutes in the course of a four hour date, through to two and a half hours in the course of a three hour date. One man is alleged to have spent seven solid hours in Burger King aggressively attending to underpant-related irritations.

The standard Meetaplex guidelines on protocols and conduct state:

“It is unacceptable for a male client to scratch his bollocks in a restaurant for longer than it takes to serve the food.”

However, given the current volume of the complaints, it has become necessary for the organisation to issue further guidance on the matter…


  • If your balls itch for more than three minutes when you are preparing to go out on a date arranged through us, CANCEL THE DATE. We recommend that you do this by text, using the standard message:
  • “Hello. I am sorry but I have to cancel our date because my balls itch and I feel that my attention will be focused on my bollocks all night rather than on you and the food.”

  • If your balls do not begin to itch until you are in transit, stop the car in a safe manner, park it, open a window, breathe deeply and then scratch your balls until the itching stops. If this takes longer than half an hour, get out of the car and don’t even consider driving any further because as much as anything else it is dangerous. Send your date the cancellation text, order a taxi, and go home. What you do with your balls in the taxi is up to you.
  • If your balls do not start itching until you are actually in the restaurant, call a waiter, discreetly explain the situation to him, and ask if he has anything he can spray down your pants to quell the discomfort. The kind of treatments available will depend on the restaurant, but most should, at the very least, be able to fill a plant spray with ice water.
  • Bear in mind that fly and ant killer is not appropriate, and you should NOT spray ANYTHING down your underwear before reading the label. The label on the spray, that is – not the label on your pants. If the label says don’t spray it into your eyes, it is probably not a good idea to spray it on your balls either. Check with a qualified medical practitioner if you are in any doubt.


Gerald Fox

If I am suddenly hit by an itch in the restaurant, should I advise my date that my balls are about to receive emergency treatment from a member of the catering staff?

Stop Crying!

You may wish to do so out of courtesy, but it is highly likely she will deduce the fact of her own accord.