Did you know that the colour you choose for the links in your Twitter design defines your personality? If you’ve left your links as standard, cool – you recognise that Twitter has not become one of the biggest players on the Internet by providing users with stupid link colours, and you’ve wisely opted to trust the site’s judgement. If, however, you’ve changed the colour of your links, you need to read this post. If your link colour is not among those below, congratulations: you’re probably a pretty stable and well-grounded character. But if your colour is among those below… Well, read on, and brace yourself…
You are a professional. You know who you are, but no one else does, so you’ve very calculatingly and deliberately picked the colour of Microsoft Outlook’s default email theme for your Twitter links, to convey just how impressively slick and corporate you are. You wear a suit, have a firm handshake, and aspire towards making motivational speeches at golf clubs in front of leading political figures. But your Tweets are mind-bendingly tedious, you don’t really know what you’re talking about, and behind closed doors you probably wear a nappy and a bra.
You’re looking for lurve, but you sure as hell ain’t gonna find it with a link colour like this! If you’re female, you’re buying too many magazines published by men are too heavily influenced by the decor in brothels. If you’re male, you’re in touch with your feminine side, which is good – but your feminine side is too heavily influenced by the decor in brothels.
You can’t make your mind up. You’re the sort of person who would wet the bed because you couldn’t decide which dressing gown to wear to the toilet.
Fake. You think that making your links bold and red will mark you out as clear, unflinching and genuine, but in fact it just makes you look like a lying git who’s trying to hide behind red links.
Absolute moron. The background is white you dense plank! If you use a colour that is nearly the same as the background, who is going to be able to actually read your links? If you were at work, and your boss said: “My pen has run out – please go to the shops and get me something to write the receipts with…”, you would come back with a packet of chalk. Don’t ever get a job. I mean, not that you would anyway, but don’t – because you’ll end up in a clinic pinned to a padded wall by a group of doctors who have incapacitated you with a dart gun so they can test your brain.
You are in danger. Your soul is drowning in a relegated football team’s bathwater and your self-respect is sleepwalking into a police station with its underpants around its ankles. But Twitter cares not for your welfare and you must act now to save yourself. You think you need Twitter, but in truth you need a particularly patient Samaritans agent who will not tire of your endless attention seeking, will ensure you are prevented from ever marrying and if necessary, get you locked up for your own good.
You’ve either been playing Smell The Glove by Spinal Tap, or you don’t understand what a link is meant to do. Either way, you are not someone who should be taken in any way seriously on Twitter, and you should not expect any sympathy from anyone when you get your ass suspended.