Lecture: How To Find a Lost Train

Birmingham Railway Museum

by Jack Smart…
Private Investigator
As you probably know, I am presenting a lecture tomorrow evening on the subject of how to find a lost train. At the behest of the Administrator of this blog, who is one of the organisers of the event, I have also agreed to take questions from a sole trader who has lost a shop.

Firstly, I need some guidance notes on the shop case. Details such as when the shop went missing, how many people have tried looking for it, where it was last seen, what the shop is called, etc.

And secondly, it has been suggested to me by someone at the venue that I am not allowed to swear. However, the venue have stressed that this was not their decision. Am I to understand that the organisers are trying to restrict the content of my lecture?

REPLIES…

Bob Leggitt
Administrator

I’ve sent you full details about the shop. If you check your Facebook you’ll see the outline of the case, but to answer your questions directly, the owner thinks the shop was in Bristol the last time he saw it – which was four days ago. We don’t know how many people are looking for it, or what it’s called. If the owner could remember what the shop is called he would probably be able to find it himself on Google. Sweating will not be permissable at any point in the lecture, and yes, that is the decision of the organisers.

Bob Leggitt
Administrator

*Swearing, not sweating. You are allowed to sweat as long as it is not done in a gratuitous manner.

Jack Smart
Private Investigator

Right; why can’t I swear?

Bob Leggitt
Administrator

Because once you start you don’t know when to stop. Your last lecture was full of swearing from start to finish.

Jack Smart
Private Investigator

I do know when to stop, and I do not swear all the way through lectures. I only swear in order to bring the anecdotes to life. This lecture has fourteen anecdotes, all of which rely heavily on very strong language. I cannot deliver the presentation without the swearing.

Bob Leggitt
Administrator

If you swear we will cut your amplification.

Jack Smart
Private Investigator

That’s fine I’ll just shout.

Bob Leggitt
Administrator

You’ll be escorted off stage.

Jack Smart
Private Investigator

I’ll stand my ground.

Bob Leggitt
Administrator

A team of six men will wrestle with you and drag you off the stage by your feet.

Jack Smart
Private Investigator

I’ll still be swearing.

Bob Leggitt
Administrator

They’ll taser you in the balls.

Jack Smart
Private Investigator

Won’t stop me swearing. In fact I’ll probably do it more – and louder.

Bob Leggitt
Administrator

We’ll see.

Jack Smart
Private Investigator

Fine.

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