How to Succeed With a Personal Ad

Personal Ads Lol

Personal ads. They’re shit. They don’t work. Except they’re not, and they do. If your personal ad is not working, it is in fact you who are shit. Here’s why the majority of people who place personal ads fail miserably, time after time, and what they should do to turn things around…

STOP MANSPLAINING

Like…

“Hey female reader, I’m a genuine, real, actual guy, who is genuinely up for a no strings attached shag!”

She KNOWS you’re a genuine, real, actual guy, who is genuinely up for a no strings attached shag. Virtually everyone who places an ad with these services is a genuine, real, actual guy, who is genuinely up for a no strings attached shag. The reason no one replies to your ads is not that women are all too thick to understand that you’re a bloke, or that they don’t believe you want NSA sex. It’s that you’re a massively selfish, mentally devoid (and most likely frighteningly weird) husk, who can’t even write a one-sentence advert without evoking thoughts of stalking injunctions and pepper spray… Oh, and they DON’T WANT NSA SEX. You do not need to emphasise the fact that you are genuinely male, or that you’re genuinely looking for a shag. The fact that you could possibly think you do, is part of why you persistently fail.

Use the space you save NOT mansplaining, to describe what actual use you are.

STOP DICTATING HOW PEOPLE ARE ALLOWED TO LOOK

Like…

“Sad, male weirdo seeks slim, yet busty, attractive lady.”

Beggars can’t be choosers. And neither can they afford to sound like they’re a control freak whose brain is in his dick. In laying down your considered set of physical conditions, you’ve summed yourself up as pretty much everything a woman would go out of her way to avoid.

RELATED: Identifying the Twitter Fake
An in-depth look at how catfish and fakes can get caught and identified on Twitter.

STOP SAYING YOU WANT SOMEONE “BROADMINDED

“Broadminded” is a manipulative euphemism. Pitching for someone “broadminded” means you want licence to do pervy things. Perhaps you do. But no one is going to give you that licence before they’ve even met you. So shut the fuck up with your stipulations and illustrate one reason why anyone might vaguely bother to take an interest in you… Oh, and the answer is NOT your dick. Repeat, NOT your dick.

STOP SIGNING OFF WITH “NO TIMEWASTERS!!!

What are you expecting? Someone who is so compliant with your arrogant, inconsiderate demands that she completely overlooks the fact that she thinks you’re a fugly, lying, stupid, bordeline psycho and jumps into your bed regardless? In a dating environment, the phrase “No timewasters” implies that you expect gratification regardless of reciprocal attraction. Is it any surprise that women would rather date a pot of watercress than reply to your ad?

STOP BEING SOOOOO GULLIBLE

So, those pretty, 18-year old girls who want dirty chat with old men?… They’re catfish, obviously. Do you think there’s one pretty young woman in the entire world who needs to pay an advertising service in order to attract the interest of dirty old men?

Clearly not. So end your delusion, and recognise that personal ad services are are full of fake, bullshit ads aimed squarely at male morons who are too absorbed communicating with their dicks to actually consider any basic realities. Stop chasing after catfish who don’t exist, and stop thinking any attractive young woman would use a personal ads column to meet a dirty old man. Then be realistic, and advertise to real people, whom you have some chance of attracting.

STOP TALKING ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT, AND TALK ABOUT WHAT YOU CAN OFFER

Very few real personal ads are unmitigated offers. They’re all either proposed deals (stacked heavily in the advertiser’s favour), or simply demands. And take note, sex pests: your dick is not an offer. Sex is not an offer. Dirty chat is not an offer. What you want is not an offer. What your potential date wants is an offer. So do some research, work out what that might be, and then cite any useful, desirable attributes you can genuinely provide. Successful advertising is about what other people want. Not what you want.

RELATED: The Twitter Creep Test
Are you a Twitter creep? Find out your position on the scale of Twitter creepiness.

QUIT THE PLURALS!

Looking for women? Females? Like, loads of them? So you can piss them all about and flit from one to another? Yep, they know. How do they know?… Because you said so in your advert, you greedy little twerp. You used the plural – like one woman is not enough. If you are so award-winningly stupid that you bill yourself as looking for women, girls, or females, in plural, you deserve to be relieved of advertising fees in plural. Extensively. And you almost certainly will be.

ATTRACTIVE GUY! (LOL)

Add a photo, and she’ll decide whether or not you’re attractive. It makes so much more sense than writing: “Attractive, good-looking guy”, and then turning up to meet a woman who thinks you look like a chronically constipated frog.

MENTION SOMETHING INTERESTING

It might just be worth a try. Especially considering that all you’ve done in your previous 25 ads is made cloaked references to your sexual greed, and you’ve learned by experience that THAT DOESN’T FUCKING WORK. So what do you like?… Yeah, apart from sex. What else do you like?…

Food? Good! That’s a start. Now take that interest somewhere moderately sophisticated, and you might be in business.

THINK

This is where almost all personal ads fail. People not taking the time to think about what they’re saying. How others might interpret what they’re saying. Not taking a few seconds to check that their self-serving bleatings actually make some kind of horrific sense. Not taking a few more seconds to ponder on whether “horrific” is really that good a look in an advert.

Use your brain. If you persistently fail, it’s because you’re not thinking about anything from a position beyond the perimeter of your selfish little me-bubble. Life is not purely about you and your incessant proclivities. To get, you have to give. So think about what you can give, and then give it.

REPLIES…

Michael Slimcock
Timewaster

Would the whole advert have to be about food, or could I mention broadminded nudism at the end?

Ed Case
Mun

I’d be inclined to lead with the broadminded nudism, and just tag on a quick reference to donut play so she can see you’re an ideas man.

Miss Luvstruck
Fangirl

Umm, what is donut play?

Ed Case
Mun

You strip naked, then take a warm, soft donut, and you [the remainder of this reply has been redacted, as it breaches Twirpz rules on the promotion of weird shit]

Katie Shox
Star Poster

Is that not exactly what this article says NOT to mention in a personal ad?

Ed Case
Mun

No, it says talk about food. So we try to explore good ways to talk about food and it gets deleted.

Miss Luvstruck
Fangirl

I still don’t know what “donut play” actually is.

Ed Case
Mun

[comment redacted]

Pathfinger
Fugboy

Whoa, they’ve deleted his comment and he didn’t even mention doing anything weird with a donut! Why has his comment been deleted?

Twirpz
Pay Me

Because he’s not allowed to talk anymore.

Dick Peahead
Peahead Photography

Can he talk if he promises never to say weird shit about donuts ever again?

Twirpz
Pay Me

No.

Dick Peahead
Peahead Photography

Why?

Twirpz
Pay Me

Because he’s a dickhead and it’s a waste of server space.

Ed Case
Mun

[comment redacted]

Twirpz
Pay Me

There’s no point in trying to post.

Ed Case
Mun

[comment redacted]

Michael Slimcock
Timewaster

This is censorship.

Ed Case
Mun

[comment redacted]

Michael Slimcock
Timewaster

Hang in there mate, we’ll get you your voice back. It’s all about strong protest.

Ed Case
Mun

[comment redacted]

Michael Slimcock
Timewaster

[comment redacted]

Advertisements