“Hey female reader, I’m a genuine, real, actual guy, who is genuinely up for a no strings attached shag!”
She KNOWS you’re a genuine, real, actual guy, who is genuinely up for a no strings attached shag. Virtually everyone who places an ad with these services is a genuine, real, actual guy, who is genuinely up for a no strings attached shag. The reason no one replies to your ads is not that women are all too thick to understand that you’re a bloke, or that they don’t believe you want NSA sex. It’s that you’re a massively selfish, mentally devoid (and most likely frighteningly weird) husk, who can’t even write a one-sentence advert without evoking thoughts of stalking injunctions and pepper spray… Oh, and they DON’T WANT NSA SEX. You do not need to emphasise the fact that you are genuinely male, or that you’re genuinely looking for a shag. The fact that you could possibly think you do, is part of why you persistently fail.
Use the space you save NOT mansplaining, to describe what actual use you are.
STOP DICTATING HOW PEOPLE ARE ALLOWED TO LOOK
“Sad, male weirdo seeks slim, yet busty, attractive lady.”
Beggars can’t be choosers. And neither can they afford to sound like they’re a control freak whose brain is in his dick. In laying down your considered set of physical conditions, you’ve summed yourself up as pretty much everything a woman would go out of her way to avoid.
STOP SAYING YOU WANT SOMEONE “BROADMINDED”
“Broadminded” is a manipulative euphemism. Pitching for someone “broadminded” means you want licence to do pervy things. Perhaps you do. But no one is going to give you that licence before they’ve even met you. So shut the fuck up with your stipulations and illustrate one reason why anyone might vaguely bother to take an interest in you… Oh, and the answer is NOT your dick. Repeat, NOT your dick.
STOP SIGNING OFF WITH “NO TIMEWASTERS!!!”
What are you expecting? Someone who is so compliant with your arrogant, inconsiderate demands that she completely overlooks the fact that she thinks you’re a fugly, lying, stupid, bordeline psycho and jumps into your bed regardless? In a dating environment, the phrase “No timewasters” implies that you expect gratification regardless of reciprocal attraction. Is it any surprise that women would rather date a pot of watercress than reply to your ad?
STOP BEING SOOOOO GULLIBLE
So, those pretty, 18-year old girls who want dirty chat with old men?… They’re catfish, obviously. Do you think there’s one pretty young woman in the entire world who needs to pay an advertising service in order to attract the interest of dirty old men?
Clearly not. So end your delusion, and recognise that personal ad services are are full of fake, bullshit ads aimed squarely at male morons who are too absorbed communicating with their dicks to actually consider any basic realities. Stop chasing after catfish who don’t exist, and stop thinking any attractive young woman would use a personal ads column to meet a dirty old man. Then be realistic, and advertise to real people, whom you have some chance of attracting.
STOP TALKING ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT, AND TALK ABOUT WHAT YOU CAN OFFER
Very few real personal ads are unmitigated offers. They’re all either proposed deals (stacked heavily in the advertiser’s favour), or simply demands. And take note, sex pests: your dick is not an offer. Sex is not an offer. Dirty chat is not an offer. What you want is not an offer. What your potential date wants is an offer. So do some research, work out what that might be, and then cite any useful, desirable attributes you can genuinely provide. Successful advertising is about what other people want. Not what you want.
QUIT THE PLURALS!
Looking for women? Females? Like, loads of them? So you can piss them all about and flit from one to another? Yep, they know. How do they know?… Because you said so in your advert, you greedy little twerp. You used the plural – like one woman is not enough. If you are so award-winningly stupid that you bill yourself as looking for women, girls, or females, in plural, you deserve to be relieved of advertising fees in plural. Extensively. And you almost certainly will be.
ATTRACTIVE GUY! (LOL)
Add a photo, and she’ll decide whether or not you’re attractive. It makes so much more sense than writing: “Attractive, good-looking guy”, and then turning up to meet a woman who thinks you look like a chronically constipated frog.
MENTION SOMETHING INTERESTING
It might just be worth a try. Especially considering that all you’ve done in your previous 25 ads is made cloaked references to your sexual greed, and you’ve learned by experience that THAT DOESN’T FUCKING WORK. So what do you like?… Yeah, apart from sex. What else do you like?…
Food? Good! That’s a start. Now take that interest somewhere moderately sophisticated, and you might be in business.
This is where almost all personal ads fail. People not taking the time to think about what they’re saying. How others might interpret what they’re saying. Not taking a few seconds to check that their self-serving bleatings actually make some kind of horrific sense. Not taking a few more seconds to ponder on whether “horrific” is really that good a look in an advert.
Use your brain. If you persistently fail, it’s because you’re not thinking about anything from a position beyond the perimeter of your selfish little me-bubble. Life is not purely about you and your incessant proclivities. To get, you have to give. So think about what you can give, and then give it.