Sadly, in more recent times, Google has become far too clever at working out who’s providing realistic content and who’s spewing out a projectile of verbal vomit. So what we now tend to see at the top of the search results is a stream of dull, semi-apologetic articles promising very little. In this new age of anti-bullshit metrics, “How To Be a Cyber Slave For Titbits” is a lot more likely to greet your Fast-Cash-Online searches than that fine old classic “I Make Ten Grand a Week Doing Literally Bugger All on the Internet!”
So in this post I want to do two things – both of which should liven up the world of “make money online” content. I want to make a nostalgic return to the good old days, and recall the era of real hope. The era in which we could dream beautiful dreams, and then watch them disappear irretrievably down the plughole in a deafening cacophony of gurgling. But I also want to look at the current underground of online cash-quick schemes. The off-the-radar stuff that content marketers either won’t touch, are doing themselves and don’t want to give away, or don’t even know about. Oh, and don’t be surprised if some of that off-the-radar stuff actually works…
THE OLD DAYS…
BLOG GREAT SHIT!
Yeah, so, like, there’s no actual work involved. All you have to do is write a few blog articles. Well, let’s call it fifty blog articles – about incredibly interesting stuff like weight loss and adult dating. I mean, come on – you LIKE writing! How can it be work? Especially when it’s crafting eulogies for pills that make people throw up all their food. Or glorifying websites on which truly revolting, misogynistic men who want to have instant, no-strings sex with big-titted, naked women, can meet… well, other truly revolting, misogynistic men, obviously.
And then, once you complete that magic fiftieth blog article, it’s payday! Not for you, of course. That’s when the business starts making money out of all the work you haven’t done. You get paid when… Well, look, this is an opportunity for a writer – not some grasping little taker who’s only in it for the money. Fix your priorities! If you’re curious about when you get paid before you’ve even started (not) doing the work, this is not for you! Be off with you, snivelling wretch!
GET PAID TO POST ON A SOCIAL MEDIA SITE YOU’VE NEVER HEARD OF!
Like, WOW! Actual, real earnings, just for having fun on social media! What could possibly go wrong with something like that? Well, other than the fact that the business has no actual source of revenue – but let’s not allow silly details to get in the way of this…
Simply give your bank account numbers to a website owner who has a criminal record as long as Southend Pier, then publish about 2,000 posts. Next, just ‘Like’ approximately half a million instances of other people’s utterly pointless ME-ME-MEing, and wait for the cash to roll in!…
What’s that? You didn’t get any money, and you’ve emailed Support 40 times and no one gives a shit? And now the site has closed, and the owners have set up another project in a different name?… Look, you’re letting details get in the way again. No one said this was a walk in the park. Making money online doing absolutely sod all takes a lot of skill and hard work… Well, not hard work, obviously. Forget I said that. There’s no actual work involved. You just need to ENJOY doing 15 hours of gruelling, repetitive shit per day, for a few months, and then chasing uncontactable borderline criminals for money – as a leisure pastime. Easy when you know how.
SIGN UP TO AN MLM SCHEME
Multi Level Marketing or ‘pyramid’ schemes (commonly abbreviated to MLMs) are a malingerer’s magnet. If you know someone who has a panic attack at the mere mention of nine to five labour, it’s a virtual certainty that they’ll end up involved in an MLM at some point in their lives.
An MLM is a golden ticket out of the employment rat race. All you have to do is give the organisers a wad of cash (obviously), and then sell unsaleable crap to a market that doesn’t exist. Then, when you finally notice that selling unsaleable crap to a market that doesn’t exist is not, as such, actually possible, you realise you have a choice. You can either:
b) Torture members of your own family until they buy the unsaleable shit and sign up to the MLM themselves. I’m not here to advise on the rights or wrongs of clamping your brother’s leg in a vice and beating him with a coffee table until he bulk-purchases laxative energy shakes, but if you don’t do it, yo’ ‘business’ is goin’ dowwwwn, man.
But hey, if you’ve always wanted to torture your friends and family until they open their own unsaleable laxatives warehouse, what are you waiting for?
BECOME A TWITTER GODDESS
So, you’re female. Or you’re a bloke who likes pretending to be female. Or even, you’re a bloke who doesn’t like pretending to be female, but you want the money, and you’ll do whatever it takes…
If that sounds like you, you might opt to partake in the Internet’s current buzz craze of financial domination – or findom. The idea is that you set up a Twitter account with the word ‘Goddess’ in the username, and male weirdos who put their own genitals in a mouse trap will flock to worship you. That basically entails them plying you with free riches. You simply sit at home, on your arse, logged into Twitter, and accept all the money.
There’s no catch. Except that across the whole of Twitter there is a grand total of just 9 male weirdos who put their genitals in a mouse trap and give their worldy finances to random women on the Internet. All you have to do is locate these genuine worshippers among the two million or so male weirdos who put their own genitals in a mousetrap and DON’T give their worldly finances to random women on Twitter.
Simple. Until you realise that most of the male weirdos who put their own genitals in a mousetrap and DON’T give their money to random women on Twitter, pretend that they DO give their money to random women on Twitter. So it’s essentially a guessing game…
Here is one of many weirdos who puts his own genitals in a mouse trap. Is he going to give me free money?
If you guess yes, you listen to his weird fantasies on Skype, accept pictures of his genitals (in mouse trap, obviously), and send him a few pictures of your feet. Don’t ask me why – that’s just how this shit works, okay?
If your guess was correct, you then get £1, £10, £500, a luxury motor vehicle, or whatever you can shame the dude into giving you. If your guess was incorrect, you’ve just wasted an hour of your life looking at some weirdo’s dick and taking pictures of your own feet, and you’ll never get that time back.
If you guess no, you simply block the weirdo, and get on with your life. You will, if your guess was wrong, have lost anything between £1 and the cost of a luxury motor vehicle. Therefore, if you want to play safe, it’s probably best to spend all day, every day, on Twitter, looking at weird blokes’ dicks and taking pictures of your feet. No work involved, though… Provided you like relentlessly looking at weird blokes’ dicks and taking pictures of your feet, that is.
START A RELIGIOUS GROUP
Religious groups are brilliant, because everyone owes money to God. But since they can’t actually find God, they have to pay him through you. Yes, that’s right: your money, is God’s money. I mean, God doesn’t actually spend it, of course. You spend it for him. You can buy a nice yacht. It won’t be your yacht – it’ll be God’s yacht. But God won’t use it. You use it on his behalf. Same goes for your tantric sex ranch and your Lotus.
In order to get your free cash, you’ll need some leverage. Let’s face it: ain’t no way that complacent bunch of good-for-nothings in your membership database is gonna give serious money to God (well, to you, obviously) unless they’re completely shit-scared. You need to instill in them a sense that if they don’t pay up, poltergeists will visit them and throw burning furniture at them. Statistically, through the ages, fear of being pelted with burning furniture has been shown to increase generosity by up to 435,000%.
So make a video and put it on YouTube. Talk about God’s money in an empassioned manner (shout, basically). Talk about poltergeists and burning chairs in an even more impassioned manner (scream your fuckin’ head off!). Be a personality. Wear a suit and have good hair and teeth. Levitate a little. Make sure at least three people in the audience faint, or are casually wrestled to the ground by security staff so as to look as if they’ve fainted. Now walk among the audience and collect money. Strike anyone who refuses to give you money, innocently but firmly, with a chair. This will help your YouTube subscribers to associate the act of not paying you, with being hit with a chair.
I would ask you to let me know how you get on, but I literally don’t give a shit, so… don’t, basically.
SET UP YOUR OWN GET RICH QUICK SCHEME
When people partake in an online get-rich-quick scheme, they will almost invariably lose money. But have you ever wondered what happens to all the money the participants lose? Yep, that’s right – it goes into the pocket of the smug, conniving asshole who set up the scheme.
It therefore stands to reason that the best and more surefire way to make literally wheelbarrows full of money on the Internet, is to BE that smug, conniving asshole. Set up your very own get-rich-quick scheme. How d’you do that?… Umm, have you been listening to a word I’ve said?…