The page has since been deleted, but Twirpz has managed to track down its author, who has granted this blog exclusive rights to publish it. Brace yourself. Here goes…
BABESTATION DOES NOT EXIST (CONSPIRACY THEORY)
The theory that Babestation does not exist is a radical scientific concept that was introduced by researcher and low-end documentary maker Calum Fossil in June 2016. Fossil’s theory has gathered considerable momentum – particularly among Babestation customers whose wives have discovered unexplained expenses on their phone bills.
The theory suggests that Babestation is a highly advanced and incomprehensibly complex virtual reality continuum, created in space, by super-intelligent aliens. Fossil believes Babestation’s purpose is to test the durability of the penis. He has not, however, been able to explain why super-intelligent aliens would be so interested in male earthlings’ genitals, or why it’s so far taken a super-intelligent race 15 years to measure the durability of a penis. Other than to say…
“Aliens have always been massively interested in human dick. It’s probably the only thing they do care about here on Planet Earth. In 9 out of 10 alien landings, the aliens have not sought to conquer humanity and seize our world from us using their mind-boggling technology. They have dragged a drunken dude into their space craft and poked his dick with a glowing utensil.”
THE BABESTATION STUDIO
Most advocates of the theory believe that Babestation’s television studio is part of the illusion, and that the transmissions are broadcast from a computer two light years away. But Fossil himself has asserted several times that the studio is real, and located at an undisclosed coordinate on Planet Earth. Only the models, says Fossil, are virtual reality manifestations. When asked his rationale for this, Fossil explained:
“In my capacity as a journalist, I was invited to visit the studio, and I touched the building – the walls, the tables, and chairs. It is undeniably as real as I am, standing before you now. I lay on a table and it supported my weight. I touched a security guard’s leg and felt firm human muscle. I felt the guard grip me, lift me from the table, deposit me onto the floor, and tie my legs together. It is a real place with real, solid furnishings, and a hard floor, and the men categorically exist.
However, each time I attempted to touch one of the female models I was wrestled to the ground by a guard. After my third attempt, the police were called and I was detained under the Mental Health Act. The arresting officers appeared and felt real, but their commander resembled a borg I once saw in Doctor Who.”
Opponents of the theory say, in the main, that the concept is too ridiculous and far-fetched to be true. If the computer generating Babestation is two light years away, they ask, why do men calling the channel not have to wait at least four years for a reply? One caller, it should be stressed, claims that he normally does. But it is widely accepted that this is simply a sarcastic appraisal of certain models’ enthusiasm, and that most replies are received within the expectations of Earth telecommunications.
This notably does not rule out Fossil’s assertion that the studio is a real place located in England, whilst the models are computer generated by aliens. However, other opponents, who say they’ve met the models, insist that Fossil has lost his marbles…
“They’re real women. I’ve met them at events. They’ve handed me souvenirs, signed my T-shirt, pulverised my cigar with a fire extinguisher… I would defy anyone to walk home with a soaking wet and partially disintegrated cigar in his pocket, and draw the conclusion that the woman responsible was some form of 3D hologram. It’s a ridiculous theory.”
Evidence for the non-existence of Babestation is somewhat limited. Writing a column for a well-known adult magazine, Calum Fossil observed that some of the models have not noticeably aged in the course of ten or more years. He also posited that some of the customers are computer generated. He says that data he’s gathered in the course of listening to Babestation’s phone chat does not correspond with reality.
“The average customer’s dick is 15.5 inches long. Clearly, these callers are not ordinary male earthlings.”
Other observers have said that Babestation does not appear to make enough money to operate a series of terrestrial television channels employing a substantial range of expensive models. Opponents have said, in response, that Babestation’s television shows are only a “shop front”, and that most of the money is made out of public view. Advocates of the theory remain unconvinced. Calum Fossill…
“If Babestation is not there to make money, then why is it there? Think about this carefully. Explain to me why anyone would set up an operation whose only function is to test the durability of the penis… It can only be for one reason: TO TEST THE DURABILITY OF THE PENIS!
We know that aliens are obsessed with dick. Why is this theory so difficult for people to accept? It should not automatically be assumed , that just because a model squirted your hand-rolled Havana with a fire extinguisher, she is an actual, real being. Obviously, the functions of fire extingishers can be automated and remotely controlled by super-intelligent aliens.”
The debate will no doubt continue to rage, regardless of Wikipedia’s involvement, or the lack of it…