VICTORIA DRUGGS (Guest Writer):
Ordinarily, tantric events are held on Canadian ranches at a cost of $2,575 per head, and organised by permanently cross-legged, greying herbalists who drink, and forcibly serve, nettle tea. But what happens if you want the tantric ecstasy without having to empty your PayPal or drink the juice of poisonous leaves at swordpoint?
Well, why not try hosting your own tantric webinar, FOR FREE?! That’s right! You really can use ye wondrous Internet to connect with like-minded tantroids and fulfil your innermost desires. Let’s start at the beginning…
IS TANTRIC SEX NOT JUST NORMAL SEX, BUT WITH NUTMEG OIL AND AN AUDIENCE OF SENIOR CITIZENS?
WHERE DO I GET WINDOWS 3.1, AND WTF IS IT?
Windows 3.1 is a 1992 version of the popular desktop operating system Microsoft Windows. It is virtually impossible to connect to the Internet and has no security whatsoever, but it is known to have remained popular with the kind of people who visit tantric sex ranches. My advice would be to pray that someone is selling a copy of Windows 3.1 on eBay, then purchase it, and then refer to this not at all complicated guide to getting it online. Finally, pray again – a little more intensively – that no one pipes you any malware, as such an acquisition is likely to significantly disrupt your tantric webinar.
PROMOTING THE WEBINAR
In order to gather an attendance, you will need to promote your webinar – ideally, using the excellent social networking tool Twitter. Given that Windows 3.1 was released a decade and a half before Twitter was invented, you might be well advised to budget for one or two compatibility issues.
On the negative side, when promoting a tantric webinar on Twitter you are likely to be confronted by middle-aged male nudists with dramatically asymmetric gonads and stomachs like barrage balloons. On the plus side, your computer will now be so riddled with viruses that none of their avatars will load.
These men will very likely pay to watch your webinar, so get your husband to bill them and trouser the bitcoin before exchanging any emails.
So, you’ve gathered your audience of senior citizens, explained to your husband that you’re going to be shagging him on the Internet, and purchased your nutmeg oil. You’re almost ready to go. You will, however, need the following additional items…
- Skype v.1 Public Beta, back-spannered for DOS 6 and Netscape 1.2.
- A webcam with a SCSI connector and a working SCSI card that fits in a PCI slot.
- A shitload of patience.
Now simply open your Skype session and rock your Windows 3.1 tantric webinar! Easy when you know how!