Penis Recognition Software Says Cheating Men’s Manhood SHRINKS

JACK SMART (Guest Writer):
As one of Europe’s premier private investigators, I’m approached by a lot of very beautiful women. I typically end up taking them to dinner, naturally. And as I stare attentively across the table into each lady’s eyes, I get an almost telepathic sense of what she’s going to say. She gazes back through the candle light with that tell-tale look, and I listen hard, just beneath the soft music, for her tentative, nervous whisper…

“I need you to make a video of my husband having sex.”

It’s fine. I’m used to it. It pays the bills. Hiding in cupboards and bushes with an ex-Ministry of Defence camcorder really isn’t as bad as it’s made out to be once you get the headphones on and consider your cut of the divorce settlement. I briefly explain the costing plans, warn her that my cinematic production values aren’t up to much, and a deal is struck.

“BUT THAT’S NOT EVEN ME, LUV!”

Ohhhh yes it is mate! And I have the penis recognition software to prove it! Yep, even when caught red-handed, the human male’s built-in auto-denial mechanism will trigger instantly upon accusation, and, as Anne Boleyn once said: “shall not desist until the onset of Medieval ball torture“. Or, in 2017, until his divorce lawyer tells him it’s cheaper just to own up, obviously.

Penis recognition software has an increasingly important role to play in infidelity cases. But it’s not just helping out with the subtleties of identification – it’s also telling us something about the consequences of cheating.

CONCLUSIVE RESULTS

In a study of 50 males, whose illicit antics I filmed in 1440 quad HD through holes in wardrobe doors, the recognition software discovered something remarkable. When re-assessed at the time of settlement, 43 of the men’s penises averaged lower measurement statistics. 34 of the men said they believed their penises had shrunk. The other 9 declined to comment. The message is clear. And seriously guys, take note of this… IF YOU CHEAT ON YOUR WIFE, YOUR DICK WILL SHRINK. Not quite such an attractive proposition now, is it?

REPLIES…

Shandi Beever
Guest Writer
“

Fantastic article, Jack. Since you gave the preliminary results of this study to the magazines, I’ve been measuring my boyfriend’s peen every night to see if there’s evidence of him cheating. He is now refusing to let me measure it. How much would you charge to hide in the bedroom cupboard while I’m out?

Jack Smart
Private Investigator
“

Hi Shandi. I’ve sent you a PM.

Katie Shox
Blog Member
“

Jack, can I get this on no win no fee?

Jack Smart
Private Investigator
“

No, but I’m PM-ing you a list of sugardaddies who will consider paying me to hide in your wardrobe provided you let them attend your divorce hearing in their underpants.

Victoria Druggs
Guest Writer
“

Can I have that list as well please Jack?

Miss Luvstruck
Blog Member
“

And me!